Bring Me To Life
by ThyWolfQueen
Summary: "Why didn't you tell us you didn't have the inhalers?" - Why hasn't Sawyer told them? There was no need to stay silent. And yet he did. - The torture scene from 'Confidence Man' from Sawyer's point of view - and a following scene that definitely doesn't appear in the series. (SawyerxSayid)
1. Hollow Inside

A/N: Watching this scene my boyfriend told me that he believes, Sawyer doesn't feel the pain. I think he's wrong, I think he has a different motivation for not stopping Sayid and Jack and, well, here it is. / I've not even finished the first season, so if later something arises that proofs my characterisation shit, I'm sorry ;)

Chapter One: Hollow Inside

Sawyer woke up for a reason he didn't even know. For a second he couldn't remember where he was. Then he recognised the man standing in front of him. Sayid. Yeah, right. He was still on this fucking island.

He saw the lips of the Iraqi moving, but the words didn't get to his mind.

In the next moment something hit his head and everything went black.

A splash of cold water helped Sawyer regaining consciousness. He blinked. And had to realize he was on his knees and tied to a tree. His shoulders didn't hurt, so he couldn't have blacked out for long. He shook his head to get the wet hair away from his eyes.

And looked for the second time today directly at Sayid. He could definitely think of nicer views but it seems like he wasn't in the position to complain. And there were also worse sights, he had to admit.

Thinking of the little... conversation he and Jack had in the cave, he already knew this was going to be about the inhalers. Why else should someone here tie him to a tree? Well, maybe because he was an asshole, but that wouldn't be Sayid's style.

"Well, ain't you the brave one, jumping a guy while he's napping." He stated, just to see what would happen.

Of course, he could tell them that he didn't have the inhalers, but, well, he was curious what the Iraqi was going to do in order to make him speak. A second later he spotted Jack a little bit behind. As a reflex action he smiled without meaning it. Now, this was going to be really entertaining.

"Uh-oh, I'm in trouble now, ain't I?" He was pretty sure that they'd hurt him. Well, he didn't care. In fact, he was looking forward to it.

Jack came closer and crouched down beside him. Of course, the hero had at least to try to ask nicely. And of course, the whole thing was about the inhalers.

The grin faded from his face, he was already preparing for the pain that would surely come soon - in what form ever. Jack's words didn't scare him. He'd almost laughed. They'd stop - what exactly? They hadn't even started yet.

"Stop what, Chico?"

He followed Jack's glance at Sayid who held some rather unpleasant looking, wooden spikes in his hands. That would be interesting. He was wondering what they were going to do to him. He just hoped Sayid would do whatever torture was waiting for him. He wouldn't give the doctor the satisfaction to make him scream. And telling from the looks on their faces, he would scream. But until that happened he, again, had to suppress a bitter laugh at Jack's words.

"It doesn't have to be this way." As if. They had started the thing, so they would damn sure have to end it. Sawyer wanted to see what they had planned.

"Yeah, it does." They wanted him to tell them where he had the inhalers he hadn't? _Here we go._

Jack stood back and Sayid took his place.

"We do not have bamboo in Iraq, although we do have something similar - reeds. But their effect is the same when the shoots are inserted underneath the fingernails." Finally they were getting to something. That definitely did sound everything but nice. At least he knew what was waiting for him now. Still he couldn't resist provoking Sayid.

"You know what I think, Ali. I think you've never actually tortured anybody in your life." Maybe it was self-destructive. Maybe he was kind of mad. He knew he was wrong and just wanted to see what reaction this was going to arise. He looked closely at Sayid's face and didn't miss the little change in his expression. He couldn't tell exactly what it meant - was it sadness? - but his eyes didn't leave the Iraqi's during his answer. If the bamboo spikes hadn't been indication enough he knew at least now this was going to hurt. It was going to hurt so badly. He could just tell them he hadn't got the inhalers, maybe they'd believe him. But he stayed quiet.

He kept his eyes on the ground while Sayid went around him, knelt behind his back, and grabbed one of Sawyers hands. It could have been a surprisingly pleasant feeling, if there hadn't been the bamboo spikes. It was impossible for him to see what was going on behind him so the first pang almost made him scream. He had known that this would be excruciating, but it was even worse than he'd expected.

As the first shock was gone, he had almost smiled. He had seldom felt so alive. It fucking hurt. It was fucking great.

He had needed this. Sometimes he needed some pain, some hate to remind himself who he had become. Sometimes the letter wasn't enough anymore to show him consistently how disgusting he was. How disgusting he had become.

"That's it? That's all you got? Splinters? No wonder they kicked your ass in the Gulf..." Again, he couldn't keep himself from provoking Sayid - and was immediately rewarded. The bamboo was driven further and further under his fingernails and he couldn't help screaming. Part of his mind was wondering how far they where from the beach, how many people would hear him. The other part was occupied with processing the pain. He knew he deserved it. Maybe this was the reason why he always acted like an asshole, no matter what. He needed the hate. He needed to punish himself over and over again for what he'd done. Not that he would ever admit it...

Suddenly the doctor stopped the torture. Couldn't he hear him screaming like this? Couldn't he stand knowing that he had agreed with what was happening here? Did Saint Jack feel a stab of conscience?

He felt Sayid standing up again behind him. The bamboo had been removed, the sharp pain had ceased to a dull one. A second or two passed as he was trying to breathe again.

"No. Don't stop now." He could hear himself how desperate he sounded.

"I think my sinuses are clearing." He added hastily.

They shouldn't think he enjoyed this. No one should ever know how sick, how insane he actually was. They would only feel sympathy or compassion for him and he certainly didn't want that. That didn't help him. He was a fucking asshole that had ruined more than one family, so they could as well treat him like this.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Jack asked.

Well, that was the question, wasn't it? There was no doubt that something was wrong with him. For example the fact, that he hadn't felt better since a quite nice time. The hollowness inside him was gone. Only for a moment, he knew, unless he could draw out the torture a little longer, but it was gone. The hollowness where once everything had been, that had made him who he was, the little boy writing a letter he'd never hand over to the man it was addressed to. It had gone long ago and all it had left was Sawyer.

Sayid stood next to him now. He had grabbed a handful of Sawyer's sandy hair and jerked his head back. A nice little pain shot through his body again. The blade of Sayid's knife - surely Locke had given it to him - came closer to his cheek.

"Perhaps losing an eye would loosen your tongue?" The Iraqi asked.

Now, that would be a step too far, he decided. He needed his eyes a little too much to let one being cut out just for inhalers he didn't even have. Though - the cool metal pressing against his skin did not feel too bad.

"Okay!" He shouted. "Okay."

He felt somehow relieved when the sharp tip of the knife didn't leave his cheek instantly. God, what a freak he was. For a second he had actually wondered how it might feel to loose an eye, but especially on a lonely island you better not risk an eye for a little pain - let alone out of curiosity.

He felt Sayid's breath at the top of his head, he had to be almost touching his hair. Sawyer couldn't see him as he looked up.

"Where is it?" He could almost feel the Iraqi's lips moving. The back of his head was still pressed against his chest. And something inside his brain decided _Not bad._

For a second he thought about telling Sayid he didn't have the inhalers, but the he remembered his deal with Kate. Oh, yeah, he had wanted to annoy the doctor.

"The only person I'll tell is her." He first glanced at Sayid, then looked over to Jack, who had already figured out who he meant. _Does it bother you, Doc? _He had smiled hadn't there still been the knife in his face threatening to cut him.

"Kate?" Jack asked. As if he didn't know.

"That's the deal."

oOo

Sayid had taken the blade away from Sawyers cheek after a couple of extra seconds. Then both, Jack and Sayid, had left the clearing. A few minutes had passed until Kate had stepped into sight. Obviously she hadn't told the men about their deal and as a result not waited somewhere near in case he'd prove stubborn. Too bad, he'd hoped she might tell Jack. Would have been fun. But there would be enough opportunities to make him find out.

He had gotten his kiss, nothing special. He more wanted to annoy Jack than to actually kiss her. But it had been quite nice nevertheless.

After he had told her, that didn't have and never had the inhalers she had punched him. But again, nothing special. Especially not if compared to the pain Sayid had inflicted to him minutes ago.

He had heard them arguing not too far away - Sayid's voice was quite unmistakeable - but he had unfortunately been unable to understand what they'd said. Only seconds later, while he had just achieved to loosen the bonds around his wrists, Sayid came storming onto the clearing, Locke's knife gripped tight. He had hastily untied the rope and managed to push the knife away from him and its owner on his back on the ground. A little struggle had followed as no one was able to overpower the other until suddenly a sharp pain had erupted from his right upper arm. Sayid had fucking stabbed him.

The doctor had pulled out the knife - part of Sawyer had wondered why he had done this before having something to stop the bleeding - and sent the Iraqi getting his things from the cave.

He had struggled most of the time while Jack had done whatever he had done - he only knew it had been painful.

Some time had passed until he was able to think straight again. He looked up at Jack, who was still holding him down together with Kate.

"Let go. I know you want to." He said quietly. Seriously, he wouldn't mind if they'd just let him die. He wasn't afraid of death, he hadn't been for a quite long time. There was just nothing he feared to leave, nothing he left behind. Nothing that held him in life. And given their current situation they would all die here sooner or later.

"Shut up. And stop moving." Jack demanded.

He didn't listen, kept moving, and started talking again. He just couldn't stop provoking the oh so great Jack.

"You've been waiting for this, haven't you? Now you get to be the hero again, because that's what you do - fix everything up all nice." His eyes moved away to Kate. "Tell him to let go, Freckles. We already made out, what else I got to live for?" The way Jack suddenly turned his gaze away from the bleeding arm to the woman was fabulous and he had almost smiled. _You hadn't expected this, had you?_ Sawyer's eyes returned to the doctor.

"Hey, Jack, there's something you should know - if the tables were turned, I'd watch you die." He wasn't quite sure if he'd really done it, but for tables weren't turned he could just say so. Just to let Jack know how much he detested him.

To bad he didn't stay conscious long enough to see the reaction - the second after he'd said the last word, he blacked out.


	2. Going Under

A/N: After Sawyer and Sayid came running from the wreck in 'House of the Rising Sun' and Sayid knew Sawyer had the handcuffs, my mind interpreted everything they did... different. Here is what followed^^

Chapter Two: Going Under

Sawyer sat with his back against a tree and tried to read. But he was distracted. He hadn't turned a page for at least ten minutes - since the moment Sayid had sat down a couple of meters away, working on something with his knife.

Sawyer felt once again the cold tip of it pressing against his skin threatening to cut him and he struggled not to let his eyes flutter shut.

He felt the sudden urge to walk over to the Iraqi and punch him in the face for what he had done to him. And it wasn't even about the torture itself. It was about the thoughts that raced through his mind since then.

Sawyer didn't like people who tried to control him, let alone those who almost succeeded. He didn't like people who actually physically hurt him. He didn't crave pain. He was no racist but he didn't like people whose first language wasn't English too much either. And he was definitely never, _never_ attracted to men. And yet he sat here - unable to take his eyes away from Sayid. Fuck, what had this man done to him?

He stood up and attempted to went over to his place. Walking past Sayid he slowed down and showed his usual, arrogant grin. "Preparing for torturing anyone again, Ali?"

The Iraqi looked up to him and suddenly he felt something like regret for his words. Sayid's eyes harbored a look of deep sadness and he made no attempt so fight Sawyer.

"Shut up." He stated tired and turned his gaze back down to the knife and whatever he was working on.

Sawyer walked on without another word. He tossed the book onto his other things and made his way into the jungle. As soon as he was out of earshot from the beach his knuckles met a tree. "Fuck!"

He definitely hated Sayid. He had hoped he'd fight back and hated him for not doing it. He hated him for the sadness in his eyes, for his always so calm and serious face, for him being always so fucking noble.

And because he had fucked him up. He had fucked him up with the torture, with giving him the pain he had needed. And because he had made Sawyer admit, that he was attracted to him - because he'd fucked him up. Shit.

Another tree was hit so hard it sent a couple of birds protesting to the sky.

Behind him he heard someone coming closer. He turned around and looked at... beautiful dark eyes. Sayid. He cursed silently.

"What do you want?" He turned his back to the Iraqi again so the didn't have to look in his pretty face. His knuckles went white as his hands closed around a small tree.

"Sawyer." Sayid grabbed his upper arm and attempted to pull him around. Fortunately for him he had got hold of the uninjured one, otherwise he would have gotten a punch in the face already.

"Don't dare touching me." Sawyer's voice trembled with rage and hate. The smooth skin of Sayid's palm pressed against his arm made him want to pull the Iraqi close - or alternatively beat him unconscious. It felt way better than it should have and warmth trickled through Sawyer's body from where they were connected.

Sayid was smart enough to take his hand back but walked around the tree to face the American - definitely not the wisest move.

"Fuck off." Said American hissed through clenched teeth.

"No." He was answered calmly. Couldn't Sayid see that he wasn't far from exploding? Why didn't he just leave him alone? Didn't he notice the anger that would turn against him if he didn't leave?

"Sawyer." Again this fucking soft, fucking serious voice.

"What?" Sawyer snapped. He knew he acted like a wounded animal that tried to hide and became aggressive when cornered. Trying to force himself to relax he let go of the tree and stood up a little straighter.

And Sayid had the courage to place both his hands on his shoulders. This time he didn't give Sawyer the time to tell him to fuck off but started talking himself.

"Sawyer. I just wanted to say that I am sorry for... what I did to you. I had sworn never to do it again. But I had to. I thought you had the medicine. I am really sorry. Also for stabbing you. I never wanted this. I think I overreacted. I am sorry."

Sawyer looked into his eyes and saw something he hadn't expected. He saw the same mixture of feelings he spotted in his own eyes every time he was alone and was surprised by a reflecting surface. It was a mixture of sadness, grief, insecurity, resignation and regret. Maybe he and Sayid were more similar than he had thought. They both had done things they had never wanted to do and now had to live with that. But instead of calming him down, the discovery only made him more furious.

"There's no need to excuse, Abdul, so leave me the fuck alone." Sawyer pushed the other man back and sent him tumbling against another tree. But instead of finally going away Sayid just spoke again.

"Why didn't you tell us you didn't have the inhalers?" He asked, sounding almost seriously interested.

"Shut up." Sawyer demanded - partly because he had no answer he could possibly tell. Damn, he wasn't even sure himself. It couldn't have been only the curiosity of what would come next that had sealed his lips.

"You could have said something." Sayid repeated. And something inside of Sawyer snapped.

He made two or three steps towards the Iraqi, grabbed his upper arms and shoved him back against the tree.

"I told you to shut the fuck up." His voice had dropped to a low, dangerous whisper. Something was going to happen during the next thirty seconds and he had no idea what it would be.

"Let me go." Sayid demanded and Sawyer took another step forward so the Iraqi was trapped between the tree and his muscular body.

"Shut up or I'll make you do it." Sawyer's voice was only barely audible. Sayid struggled to pull free but wasn't strong enough - even though stronger than expected. He stilled again after a moment, not wasting strength needlessly.

"Let me..." he started but Sawyer interrupted him.

"So you want me to make you shut up. Fine."

Without having even really thought about it he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Sayid's. They were as soft as he'd imagined - and he had spent an almost embarrassing amount of time imagining. He had suspected that Sayid would try to pull back but the Iraqi didn't move a muscle - until Sawyer loosened his grip slightly. Sayid got an arm free and he wondered if he was going to punch him.

But he was surprised. Instead of being pushed away he was drawn closer. Not that he'd complain. Now knowing Sayid wouldn't start struggling again he let go of the other arm that as well was put around his neck. He grabbed Sayid's waist instead and had to suppress a shudder when his tongue darted out and slowly traced Sawyer's lower lip.

He instinctively closed his eyes as he opened his mouth and allowed his tongue to meet Sayid's. His hands started moving with a mind of their own, they wandered up the smaller man's back, traced his shoulder blades and his upper arms and back down across his chest to the seam of his shirt. Sayid's hands went to grab his hair and pulled him down in an almost painful way that made him gasp. It was a brutal, aggressive kiss, each of them fighting for dominance.

After some time Sawyer pulled back and stared down in these soft brown eyes that seemed even darker than usual.

"What the hell was that?" He asked, completely puzzled. Okay, he had initiated the kiss, but he still had no idea where it had come from.

"I was just about to ask this question to you." Sayid replied looking equally bewildered. "For you are the one who started this."

"No, you are!" Sawyer exclaimed in anew rising rage - and realised a second later, a second too late, that now he was going to have _serious_ explanation problems. He let go of Sayid's hips and turned his back to him once more. Why the hell had he responded to the kiss? Why hadn't he just punched him and walked away? Sawyer knew that he now had to explain himself and his mind was racing to find a suitable answer, one he could possibly tell.

"What did you say?" Sayid sounded even more startled. He got no answer. Sawyer still didn't know what to say, how to react. If he'd thought he could avoid answering by simply walking away he had done it but he was pretty sure it wouldn't work. Sayid would follow him, he wouldn't let him get away that easily. Just like he now went around him to face the blonde.

"Sawyer?"

Why couldn't he stop saying his name in this fucking gentle voice of his? It sent shivers down his back and made him wish he'd not broken the kiss.

"Nothing. Forget it." He retorted angrily though he doubted that this would satisfy the Iraqi. It took only a heartbeat's time until he was proven right.

"I want an answer, Sawyer." Sayid almost got himself a punch in the face for speaking his name this way _again_. Sawyer looked down in his face and spotted there the same concentration and determination the Iraqi had shown before torturing him. Another shiver ran through his body. For a second he closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself down.

"And what will you do if I don't answer you?" He asked with an almost-grin being forced onto his lips. It felt like balancing on a knife's edge. He'd started provoking Sayid again and even though the Iraqi was usually able to control his temper he knew it would get... interesting if he went too far.

"I'm not going to hurt you again." Sayid stated coolly. It was a firm promise, like the man himself, firm and serious. For a second Sawyer wondered if he had ever seen him smile. Well, since they had stranded here there hadn't been that many reasons for it.

"Too bad, I was so looking forward to it." Irony was dripping from the American's words. He didn't dare admitting it, not even to himself, but he was almost serious about this, even though it didn't sound like. He felt Sayid's gaze searching his eyes, his expression for answers and desperately tried not to let them show anything.

"What are you hiding?" Sayid murmured, obviously not expecting an answer. And of course he didn't get one. Sawyer looked away from him, focusing on a little bird flying around some fruits.

"You're not kidding!" The Iraqi suddenly realised. He didn't sound too shocked, only surprised. "That's what you said, you think I started this with torturing you?"

"Yeah, fine, congratulations. You figured out I'm a masochist, now fuck off." Sawyer kept looking away, he didn't dare meeting Sayid's eyes now. Though he had sounded confident, he'd never felt more unsecure. The smaller man made a step towards him and as he looked down to him their lips met again.

It wasn't a bruising, passionate kiss like before, just a soft brushing of lips. Sayid stepped back after a moment.

"You're an interesting man, Sawyer." He stated, this intense gaze of his burning into Sawyer's eyes.

"I guess there is no need to tell you that no one must hear about this?" The American asked.

Sayid nodded. "I'll go and see if Jack needs some help. See you later." He said and left Sawyer behind without another word.

He stared at the point where the Iraqi had vanished into the jungle for a couple of seconds.

He was wondering what was going on in the other man's head. He had made him say something aloud he'd never even admitted to himself. His whirling thoughts threatened to drown him, he was going under, but also felt alive. He doubted that what happened today would happen ever again but he was fine with that.

Sayid had brought him back to life, with pain and sympathy.

The usual grin spread across his face, not forced this time, but full of mischief. And he went back to the beach, wondering if he could get another kiss from Kate. Just to annoy Jack.

A/N: Btw, I don't believe in this anymore, Sayid and Shannon are waaaay too cute together :D And, I know, this ending isn't the best, having watched further I know it's... unrealistic if not shit, but I wanted to stay to my original idea ;)


End file.
